10 September 2011

Let's hate on Twilight, mmkay?

I really dislike Twilight.  Back when I was young and not quite as cynical, I read the first book to be culturally relevant.  I like it enough to read the second, which I liked because Edward actually decided to do something (!), although that thing was kill himself (too bad that plot line didn't pan out).  Anyways, then I read the third book and decided that I was actually curious what happened with the characters in the last part, which had just been published at that time.  So I actually bought the book.  For the full price.  That's right, Breaking Wind... excuse me, Breaking Dawn.  After reading a chapter or two, I kept flipping back to the copyright page, thinking maybe someone had put a shitty teen-romance-paperback in the Twilight dust jacket.  It quickly dawned (haha) on me, that what I had on my hands was a pile of literary crap.  
Pretty much me by chapter 2
I read a little more, now using gloves to turn the pages and a clothespin to protect my delicate nose from the stench of the bad writing.  Then I got to Chapter 18 (yeah, that chapter) and my soul shriveled up and died.  I never don't finish a book... and I still haven't been about to finish Breaking Dawn.  It's just that bad.
Squidward evidently read Chapter 18 too
The thing that bothers me most about Twilight is that Edward is blatantly abusive and young girls look at him as the model for a perfect partner.  He has an uncontrolled temper, exhibits extreme, irrational jealousy and a desire for control (basically the whole plot of Eclipse, and where I personally started to become uncomfortable) and, one of the more disturbing considering the target age range of the books- use of force during sex (the whole "violent-sex-honeymoon-chapter"... just... just... what the hell was Meyers doing?).

Anyways, so time for laughs now, okay?

And while we're at it, I highly recommed the Blogging Twilight series of posts of sparklife.com.  Essentially the guy had the exact same reactions that I had when reading the books, and, funnily enough, wanted to stop reading at the same part I did (yeah, that chapter.).

[T]his is perverted freak fan-fiction, the kind of crap you'd find if you searched the internet for "perverted freak fan-fiction." This isn't lovely. This isn't romantic. This is wrong. It's wrong on every level. Only on opposite day could I say with a clear conscience that Chapter 18 wasn't the very worst thing I had ever read, and even then I would scream, "Opposite Day!" so loud glass would shatter and butterflies would lose their wings.
Jacob loves a baby?! A baby!? He wants to marry a baby?!!?
I made a lot of jokes about Quil, and he deserved the mockery. But at least Quil had the decency to fall in love with someone that could form words, eat solid foods, and support her own neck.
Jacob…I…I don't know what to say. But I don't hate you, Jacob. It's not your fault. It's the fault of your master, the Shadow Queen.
And to those who say Jacob's love for baby Optimus Beyonce is pure and innocent, I say, "PFFFFFFFF!" And if you try that argument again, I will say, "Double-PFFFFF!" So Jacob is going to be a father figure for Optimus until she's of age? What age? Is there a switch in Optimus' belly that can be flipped from "Cute Kid" to "Sexually Attractive Woman"? When will Jacob know it's OK to give Optimus a special hug? Is Imprinting bound by the laws of the government? On her 18th birthday, will Jacob look at her and suddenly realize: You know what? This child that I cared for is actually very sexy. Maybe I should do her. ...
Which is pretty much word-for-word the way I felt about that chapter.  I can't wait to see how they're going to pull of that chapter in the movie.  Or, wait, no, I can...

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